In the spirit of the season (sort of), I’ve been posting tweets about Santa to reveal what a badass he is. Below you’ll find a selection of them. Some of these are more gangsterish than others. Anyway, I hope you find them funny. Enjoy!
Santa’s Bona Fides
Santa carries a .38 strapped to his ankle at all times.
Santa smokes menthols.
Santa heads the Yakuza.
Santa once beat an elf senseless with a whiskey bottle.
Santa fronts a death metal band called Reindeer Sandwich.
Santa once pistol-whipped Sinatra in front of all his pals.
Santa was one of the Watergate burglars.
Santa once bitch-slapped Snoop Dogg.
Santa always carries a shiv made from a toothbrush and a razorblade.
Santa came up with the riff for “Purple Haze.”
Santa water-boards the elves when they get out of line.
Santa bounty-hunts bail-jumpers.
Santa has to wear an electronic tracking bracelet around his ankle because he violated parole twice.
Santa hunts Salvation Army bell-ringers with a crossbow.
Santa won a split-decision 12 round fight against Ken Norton.
Santa runs a cock fighting ring in Tijuana.
Santa wrote Brando’s lines in Apocalypse Now.
Every year Santa gives the elves a box of magnum condoms as a stocking-stuffer gag gift.
Santa taught James Brown how to dance.
Santa collects protection money from storeowners in Flatbush.
Santa switched baby Jesus at birth with the kid in the next manger.
Santa gave Mia Wallace a foot massage.
Santa interrupted the Lincoln-Douglas debates three times with loud farts.
Santa took the gun *and* the cannolis.
For a price, Santa will ugly you up before you go to prison.
Mark T. Conard 